GOD, MY HIGHEST SELF
The Journey Back to Myself
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I stood in the church with men and women singing loudly in the microphone, people dancing about and a “prophetess” chanting words that were supposed to mean something. It was the loneliest and most saddest I had ever felt. I journeyed there looking to find God and what I found was a cult I wanted nothing to do with. I stood there with my face in my palm softly crying my heart out to God, “Where are you?”
For years, I believed that if I just visited enough sacred places, I’d finally find the connection to God I was longing for.
Curious about the nature of existence, I explored organized religion, spirituality, philosophical inquiry, and nature.
I sought out prophets, pastors, sages, and herbalists, each claiming to have the answers I was desperately searching for.
I jumped from one denomination to another, thinking each new place would hold the answer. I remember stepping into big, beautiful cathedrals with amazing stained glass windows, expecting to feel something divine.
I participated in small group meetings, where everyone seemed so passionate.
I engaged in spiritual practices such as meditation, prayer, and mindfulness all to connect with God.
I chased after mystical experiences that were supposed to be life-changing, but they just left me feeling lost and frustrated when God felt too far away.
I felt this void inside.
With every visit, I only walked away feeling more empty and sadder than I had ever been.
I felt drained — of money, energy, and time — still no closer to finding God.
This desperate search for God brought challenges, including doubt, confusion, and existential crises on days when I exhausted my options and was left feeling like God was not real.
I sat down one day to catch my breath, and I reflected on everything I’d been through.
I have the strongest desire to find God.
The Bible calls David “the man after God’s heart” but my desire for God’s heart became an obsession.
It was all I could think of.
I am fearless in life and the only times I feel fear is when I believed God had left my side and I only felt that way after I missed the mark of my highest self.
When I believed I had sinned against God, I felt distant from God and felt the need to go looking again. But why would God leave me when I fell short?
I’m human and sinful in all my ways.
No one can do right on their own. It is the Spirit of God that empowers us to righteousness so why would she walk away from our hearts when we need her the most?
It’s true when they say God never leaves nor forsakes us.
In that moment of reflection, I learned a valuable lesson: finding God doesn’t require going to places.
God isn’t out there.
My desire to find God was a result of a deep-seated need for connection, purpose, and understanding of the nature of the universe.
But the person with the strongest desire to find God need not try to. It takes the spirit of God for one to have that desire.
They need not try to find God only to get to know him better.
The desire for God is proof that God is already in us.
I searched everywhere and could not find God because the divine is not outside of me.
S/he lives in me.
If God is in me, then what would that make me?
It would make me god!
“You are “gods”; you are all sons (and daughters) of the Most High’ (Psalm 82:6).
If I am god then what am I doing looking for God? My body is God’s temple. He dwells here. She never leaves.
Every time I got in my car to go to a faraway place to find God, s/he was saying to me “I am right here” but out of my own desperation I couldn’t stop to hear myself.
How silly of me to make myself so small.
Never again will I go outside of my own heart looking for God.
Never again.
The longing I felt wasn’t a sign that God was missing; it was a reminder that the Divine was waiting for me to look inward — to journey back to my god self.
God isn’t lost out there; He’s right there with you, waiting for you to notice.
So, if you’re out there searching for God, shift your focus immediately from the outside to the inside.
You don’t need to go anywhere to find what you’re looking for.
Community is found out there but God is in his temple.
The church is within.
If you've made your body a temple; clean and holy for the ‘holiest of holies’ to dwell, then you need not look far.
Just take a look within.
Sit quietly, listen to your heart, and you will feel the love you seek.
I looked and I found what I was desperately looking for and now I no longer go places to find God.
I go places with God.
I share my journey to remind you that the search for God doesn’t have to be exhausting or disappointing. It can be a beautiful journey back to your highest self.
No matter how distant God feels sometimes, remember that you’re never alone. The Spirit of God is always with you, guiding you back to your god self.
