SELF-LOVE AND COMPASSION
I’m Afraid of Any Man Who Makes Me Fall Too Fast
And how ho’oponopono saved me from my own wrath
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On the very first date, he was all over me, kissing and touching me. That wasn’t a very good sign, yet I went along with it because I wanted to have some fun. But in my mind, I had written him off for moving too fast.
I strongly believe if a man is really serious about me, he would take it slow. After all, why rush when there’s forever to go? Unless he’s not thinking about forever.
In my head, this thing wasn’t going anywhere. Probably just a fling, but honestly, his kisses were so good. I hanged on and saw him a couple more times and every time he was all over me.
He was so much fun and spontaneous. I liked that a lot, but I wasn’t supposed to be allowing myself to like him. I couldn’t help it. He’s cute and I’m human. I was falling for him a bit every time he pulled me in unexpectedly and kissed me.
I was getting attached, and it was happening too fast.
My intuition told me this guy wasn’t serious and probably just wanted to sleep with me. I was to end it or slow it down! But there were no pressing problems other than the fact that he was moving too fast.
I didn’t listen to my intuition. We kept talking.
He’s a really nice guy, but he’s too busy for my liking. I don’t know what it is. I always seem to attract the doctors and the bankers of the world who have little time to spare.
After he stood me up on a date one Friday night…. okay, he didn’t stand me up. He just said he was too tired after a long day and he’d see me Saturday night instead. I was a bit disappointed because I take plans seriously.
I don't make a lot of plans, so I’m never one to cancel if I actually make plans with someone. So if someone tells me they’re going to do something, I expect them to do it! I had planned for the night and so I was disappointed.
I’ve been through this before. Busy guys who can’t give me the time I need from them because they're always too tired.
A man can give me all the flowers and the most expensive gift, but time is how I measure how much someone is into me. Time is money, so if I man can’t give me time, I know he’s not that into me. Besides, we make time for those we really care about. He was struggling to make time for me and I was supposed to fall back.
I didn’t.
I looked forward to Saturday night. I couldn’t stop thinking about him and his delicious kisses. I was hooked on his tongue. He didn’t stand me up this time, but what happened wasn’t what I expected.
I dressed up real nice and when he text me saying he was outside; I was excited and ready to go. I rushed outside straight to the passenger side of his car with tinted windows to hop in, but to my surprise; he brought a friend along on our date and he was in my seat. I stood there trying to see if this guy was serious or playing with me. He was serious, and I was shocked.
His friend was just as surprised.
Disappointed didn’t quite describe how I felt. I reluctantly went in the back seat and looked at him like dude wtf? What is going on? He explained he saw his friend walking on the road and decided to pick him up.
Wtf?
I turned to his friend as if to say this was supposed to be a date, but he was as clueless as I was. I suspected my guy just needed to spend time with both of us and because he’s too busy; he decided to do it at the same time.
“But why didn’t he just give me a heads up that he had to bring someone along?” I sat in the backseat with a million thoughts going through my head. I wanted to get out and go back home, but I wasn’t ready for the questions from my family about why I’m back so soon. So we all went to a bar nearby to have some drinks.
He could tell that I was upset.
The plan was to cut him off after that night. The whole time I was there, I was telling myself he would never see me again! If dating proves difficult in the early stages, in my experience, it’s a total waste of time.
I know what you’re thinking. Why cut him off? Why not just be friends?
I can’t keep him as a friend. The friendship boat had sailed. It was too late to be just friends with him. He’s an Aries and a bit aggressive! He had already kissed me several times, and I liked it. He’d never stop trying to kiss me. He said I was irresistible. I thought he was charming and I couldn’t resist him either. I was starting to fall for him. I think. And I’m afraid of any man who makes me fall too fast.
We talked for a little while, and I asked him to take me home.
I kept thinking about what would happen when I got home? How was I going to face myself? I knew what would happen? I would be hard on myself because I did it again. I attracted the same type of guy. I attracted a dude who isn’t fucking serious.
I could feel my chest tightening up. I was doing just fine enjoying my singleness until I walked into the bank where he worked. Now my life had been disrupted.
Most people take it easy on me, but I don’t. Whenever I feel like I messed up, I don’t worry how others will take it. I worry how I’ll take it.
I fear myself.
I fear myself because I’m so hard on myself. When I do something I know I shouldn’t be doing, I feel guilty and it weighs on me for weeks. I love myself so much but I show myself the toughest love because I should know better after all the lessons I’ve learned.
“How was I going to face myself?” I kept wondering. We wrapped it up and he dropped me off back home. I went straight to the mirror to face myself. I knew I was going to give it to myself. I could feel it coming on. I could feel my ego getting ready to attack me for letting that happen. Another relationship failing before it started.
I could feel the tears coming on.
Why did I attract this dude? What is it inside me that attracts these types of men? Thoughts came flooding in. Why? What? How? Tears started falling. Maybe there’s a problem somewhere. I knew I was going to be depressed and beat myself up for days.
But luckily, I remembered ho’oponopono. It saved me from my own wrath.
Ho’oponopono is a very simple practice that I’ve been using to heal some very intense wounds in my life as well as minor situations like this one, and it has worked every single time.
It offers you an opportunity to release and clear dense energies trapped inside your heart and soul.
There are many translations for ho’oponopono but to put it simply, it means to cause and then to make it right.
The great thing about this simple practice is that you don’t even need to know what you’re making right. You don’t need to have to all the details. All you’re doing is asking yourself (or someone else) for forgiveness for an issue that you’ve caused. It requires that you make these four statements: I’m sorry. Please forgive. I love you. Thank you.
That’s it. It doesn’t really matter the order you say the statements in, you just say them. And you can say this as many times as you want with your eyes closed and hands over your heart.
You do this to take full responsibility for what shows up in your life. In my case, I knew from the start this guy wasn’t right for me. I knew he moved too fast and therefore probably wasn’t thinking about forever, yet I allowed myself to like him.
I was sorry I didn’t listen to my intuition and let myself down.
The moment I closed my eyes and said to myself, “please forgive me” I could feel myself letting it all go. Suddenly, it was okay and there was nothing to beat myself up over. I was reminded that nothing tragic had happened.
I love you is to tell my “self” that I’m always there with her no matter how she’s feeling and we’d get through it together fighting on the same side. Never with each other.
And thank you is to show my “self” gratitude for hearing my plea, understanding, and taking it easy on me when I messed up.
Ho’oponopono is such a powerful practice. Anytime a negative thought or belief comes up, anytime you’re healing something too painful, anytime something happens in your world that you don’t like, you can use this practice to calm yourself down.
I’ve been single for a while now and I’ve healed most of the pain in my heart, yet I still somehow managed to attract the same type of busy guys who have little time for me.
I don’t know what it is in me that attracts it.
There are so many times we create things in our lives and we don’t even know why we create them. Ho’oponopono works, especially when you don’t even know what the root cause is.
Sometimes we can’t understand why certain areas of our lives aren’t moving forward. With ho’oponopono, you don’t have to understand the why. You don’t need to go back to figure it out. All you have to do is to say those four statements and watch your soul calm down from within you.
I felt calm when I said and repeated those four statements to myself. The wrath that I felt so strongly coming on subsided the moment I apologized to myself, asked for my forgiveness, showed myself love and compassion, and thanked myself for forgiving me.
Everything was okay.
And for the guy, I did cut him off. But I made a big mistake showing him where I lived. After not answering his calls all day the next day, he showed up at my house, wanting to see what was going on.
A piece of advice?
Never show a new guy you just started talking to where you stay. If you decided you don’t want to see them again and they like you, they are stuck on you. And this wasn’t a “call the police” matter. He did nothing wrong. We talked, and I told him it wasn’t going to work for me.
He sadly understood.
