I don’t fit in. I’ve already made peace with that. I stopped trying to fit in. But that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt when you are shown just how much you don’t fit in. Knowing that I have social problems, I avoid group things like group chats and most things that have a lot of people involved. I’m naturally quiet and people things aren’t my strong suit. We all have weaknesses.
Sometimes people will force me to get involved in group things knowing I’m an introvert and to be seen as a nice person who doesn’t hate people, I accept the invitation only to regret the decision later.
When my primary school friend invited me to join the group chat on WhatsApp, I accepted, knowing well it wasn’t for me. I didn’t fit in back then and wasn't going to now. It’s like a little family thing where they talk about daily affairs and current news. I’m not interested in most of the things they talk about, but I read because reading is easier.
As an introvert, I can be at a place without others noticing that I’m there. I blend in so well in the background you would forget all about me.
In the group, people shout others out on their birthdays, and everybody chimes in to say “happy birthday” and they all say nice things about each other. I don’t participate, but I read. I’m who I am and that’s okay.
I’m friends with the leader of the group. We chat a lot outside of the group. One-on-one is also easier. Not a lot of stimulation and different opinions all at once.
I wish he hadn’t shouted me out at all on my birthday, but he wanted to celebrate me. He experiences me outside of the group so he thinks I’m cool and worth given a massive shout-out, but I doubt the others think that. Although they were all my classmates, I’m sure they forgot who I am since I left the country at a young age.
He found a picture of me from Instagram (not a picture I would have suggested he used) and used it to shout me out. “Happy birthday, Kimberly,” he said. And some nice things. That was nice of him, but I heard crickets. Nothing. Nobody else in the group said a thing.
They kept on with their conversation, ignoring me completely. I’m used to that, and it was understandable. I wasn’t expecting anything. It didn’t bother me at all then because I barely talk in the group or wish others happy birthday. We all moved on.
The next day he shouted out another person on her birthday and everybody and their mother came out to say happy birthday. The following day the same thing happened.
Wow. They just ignored me.
Thoughts are going through my head. My ego is up and bruised. “Nobody likes you. You’re an outsider. They don’t give a fuck about you. Why are you even there?”
My ego isn’t dead. She’s always had to protect herself from ego-bruising things like that. Sometimes she takes the driver's seat and runs the show! I’m still working on getting her under control. I’m not perfect.
I found myself getting upset, and it was for one reason: I shouldn’t be in this damn group in the first place. And also why the hell did he shout me out? Ugh! I’m good in the background where I belong! Nobody can hurt me there.
I don’t belong in the front. I don’t need to be reminded of how I can’t fit in and make friends who’ll bother to say happy birthday to me.
It wasn’t a big deal. I know that, but I made myself upset, putting myself in a place to be overlooked, knowing it was likely.
Now you’re probably thinking, “How childish.” “Maybe if you talked to others and participated in the group, then others would do the same for you.”
Yea, I know that.
Humans aren’t my strong suit. I know myself better than anyone. I do better with people when I’m allowed to just observe and be myself without the pressure to speak and interact on a daily basis.
That’d be being something I’m not.
I’m not perfect at all. I make myself upset for no big reason, and sometimes it’s all in my head.
Can anyone relate? Probably not, but that’s okay.